Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Barb's knees #15

As my penultimate (That’s not a word I get to use often so I’ll take when I can!) posting as substitute GrammaStamper, let me say first that everything is going great. Barb has had her stitches removed this morning and has accomplished some independent walking, simply pushing the walker ahead of her and walking towards it. Again, she sends her thanks for all your support.

I said everything was going great and that’s true … almost everything.

Heather Grow saw it coming. Heather Grow understands the signs of the universe. Heather Grow is a modern Oracle, a sage to be heeded. Upon reading my post about getting chips for Friday, she commented “You might want to have some chocolate on hand too”.

Now, you know I’m a man, knowledgeable in all things technical, the sciences describing the stars and the planets and in the art of numbers. This, however, does not include understanding those amongst you without the “Y” chromosome.

Yesterday, I was given a singular mission: “Seek Ye the Golden Chips; neither stray to discomforting brands nor to distractions of taste or touch.”

This was my quest.

Some of you may know I am disabled and so this quest was dangerous and fraught with peril. I planned my every move, assembled a crack team of my most trusted allies and prepared for my journey. Being a man of action, I commenced immediately following my post and so had not yet read the sage advice of Heather Grow.

I was focused. I conquered the intersections, the hills and the parking lot. I met the challenges and captured the Golden Chips.

So it was said; so it was done.

At the lair of the Golden Chips, ever the thinking man, able to anticipate the unexpected, I also captured the fabled Cheetos and would hold them as a trophy for my troubles, perhaps gaining extra favour with my master for my foresight.

However, during my quest, no one said “perhaps you should get chocolate too”. Perhaps the sentry perceived that I was a man on a mission and not to be trifled with. Perhaps my crew did not recognize the dark omen lurking in the dim light behind the packages of mixed nuts. Perhaps the reason will never be revealed.

Upon returning home, I secured my treasure and, tired after the journey, rested for a time. My crew disbanded and I was again, alone, but contented.

Later, during an audience with the GrammaStamper, I proudly announced my successful acquisition of the Golden Chips, whereupon, her response came as a query: “Did you get chocolate too?”

I felt the heavens open and beheld a vision. The slain heroes of our ancestors were looking down at me, shrugging their shoulders. “Huh?” said one. “Go figure” another said. “Poor guy” said a third. Alas, there were no answers to be found there.

For a fleeting moment, the world was perfect and it was mine. But it is written, “Pride cometh before a fall” and so it is right and just that I make penance for my faux pas. We will have no chocolate when we are reunited. It is as a cart without a wheel; a horse without a saddle; a woman without chocolate.

Woe be my name.

But all is not lost. I will persevere with my studies and meditations on the meaning of the double-X chromosome, striving for the illusive answer to the ultimate question.

And perhaps some day I may find the path to XX-enlightenment … perhaps some day ...

- GrampaStamper


pescbrico said...

LOL Heather you are the best! :) LOL I could not stop laughing at your post :) Thank you so much for keeping us up to date! :) Have a wonderful day.

flipflops4sherri said...

Thank goodness Heather came to your rescue!! Chocolate does cure ALL :). Its great Barb is coming home on Friday. She will be so happy to be in her own bed for the weekend. Super duper!!

Denise... said...

You're GOOD!!! Love the story! Awesome news too!

Melissas said...

So great to hear that Barb is on the mend and on her way home too! Best to all of you during the rehab process :)

Tami Bayer said...

Heather is a smart cookie! We always want chocolate even when we don't mention it...LOL. Love the story and your use of penultimate...good word.

Cathy said...

Thanks John you are so funny..So glad Barb will be home soon,only a few more days and l will Pray that your daughter brings some mmm good chocolate with her LOL..l sure Pray she drives down on Thursday or Saturday because Friday is another storm day for us..God bless give her a hug and let her know there is only 4 days left...

NormaJ said...

John, are there any volunteer shops at the hospital, where you could load up on some chocolate?
Or a friendly neighbour to help? You still have a chance to redeam yourself.
Love your stories John, take care
of yourself too.

Heather Grow said...

This is definately the penultimate post! You made my day, even without offering me chocolate. Tell Barb she looks "hot" tomorrow. I guarantee she will smile. But, you have to use the word hot. Hey, I was right before.

Jennifer said...

You're a hoot, John. Also, a typical male! How can you live with a woman and NOT remember the chocolate? Thank goodness for the sage advice from Heather.

However, I just read Heather's suggestion to tell Barb she looks "hot" tomorrow. Now it is true that HOT can be a good thing, but Barb and I are a bit, how shall I say...a bit more seasoned in years than Heather. Looking "hot" can mean looking mighty fine, however, it can be taken at our stage in life as "you're sweating like a pig! Having a hot flash again?" So I might advise that if you tell Barb she looks "HOT" (which I'm sure she will in the good way) be sure to work on your voice inflection with all of the manly sexiness you can muster because the last thing she wants is to look like it is dang hot in here.

I'm so excited about Barb's arrival home tomorrow. What a great gal you have!


Tiffany said...

My co-workers think I'm crazy. Why you ask? Because I'm sitting at my desk laughing out loud. I just got off a tough client call so they probably think I've finally snapped!! I love your post John!!! Can't wait to see you and mom on Saturday.

Love Tiff

PS I will bring the chocolate :) I never leave home without it. After all, I am my mother's daughter.

PSS Wait to you see all the menu plan I've created for my 2 week stay. Mom said you probably won't let me leave after all the great cooking you're going to get. See what you have waiting for you when you move back to civilization?? No offense to the northerners...but let's face it, Toronto IS the centre of the universe. LOL

Lesa said...

Tiffany to the rescue with the chocolate!! All shall be good in your world starting Friday. Hugs to all.

Alexandra said...

John, you are hysterically funny and I LOVE reading your posts - teehee! My kids think I am crazy because I sit here laughing out loud!!! But, you are SUCH a man - I mean, you forgot the chocolate??!! I sure hope you have remedied that situation - LOL! *STAMPIN HUGS* Alex