Friday, May 16, 2008

Product Reviews - GrampaStamper's Opinion

Well, my DW did two things she may regret: putting the April/May issue of PaperCrafts into the bathroom and, not changing her password after getting back from the hospital with her knee replacements.

The PaperCrafts magazine is mostly projects and stuff but the products should be viewed by all DH's as required reading. These are the items you will need to find something to do with when your own DW replaces them with the newer-better-cooler version.

First off, on page 8 is an advertisement for a craft organizer. I dare any DH to look around the house and not find at least one “absolutely necessary” organizer for craft stuff which is no longer organizing anything. You might as well start thinking of what to do with it now. If you paint it red and put some personalized graphic on it, it serves as a great tool caddy. This is considerably cheaper than Snap-On but probably not nearly as sturdy. Even so, considering you'll get this “for free” eventually, no point spending the big bucks now as this will be yours before you know it.

There is another advertisement which while not notable for future use, is notable as a warning to all DHs: Page 29 has an “Archiver’s” advertisement in which you see a view of the whole store from just behind a woman’s head; her hands up in amazement. The tag line is “Like a kid in a Candy store”. Take this as warning men and remind your DW that candy is bad for you. I suggest taking her to Home Hardware prior to any trip to a place like this. Go to the lightbulb section and explain to her the variations in wattage and lumens between each type. One hour here for every five minutes in a craft store should equalize the situation sufficiently. Be sure to take her to the hardware store before going to the craft store though as any effect this may have is short-lived.

Page 50 has an article on how to make jewelry. While you probably can’t stop her from making these things, try to get her to address them to a specific name, like her friend “Julia”. Then name your tractor “Julia” and you can pimp it out when she doesn’t give it to her Julia because it’s so lame. Steer her to colours that match too. That’s actually not difficult if you remember the “Rule of Women’s Colours”; one name is lame; two is new but three is fashion. She won’t bite for “beige” but might for “Sahara Sand” and will think you’re top-notch if you suggest “Louisiana Butterscotch Tapioca”. Trust me, it’ll be the “beige” you wanted anyway.

On page 61 is an advertisement for “Gorilla Super Glue”. Because crafters are notoriously misled to believe everyday items are not sufficient for crafting, manufacturers have learned to market to them specifically. Well, you too can play this game. Get out your “Marks-A-Lot” marker and add this to the regular bottle of Elmer’s you have downstairs: “Now Specially Formulated for Crafters” and watch the action. You’ll have to remember it will be stored in her own private stuff but if you need to fix a broken chair or something, you can always do it when she’s distracted by some Home and Garden special on TV.

Page 74 starts an article on dressing up chipboard. What’s with that? No more need be said!

Page 103 is the best. The tools on this page look like any you’d buy for yourself, except the packaging, which tends to look too feminine for proper tools. However, think of the shoes you have in the garage; yes, the ones with several eyelets missing and the broken laces. You can make those shoes almost new again with tools like this. Using the coloured eyelets she has will probably be considered cool by your kids but don’t wear them to your lodge; too dicey for that. Try to see if she has any black ones as they’re less likely used by her and therefore more likely not to be missed in the first place.

Lastly, on the back cover is the ultimate budget-breaker: the “Cricut Expression”. I’m told this is already at its third or fourth generation and so some of you may already have one of these in the basement. Think of cool ways to “Pimp Your Tractor”. Personalized bumper stickers look like they’d be a breeze with a tool like this. And it makes stencils as well as letters so you can finally find a use for that paint sprayer your brother gave you for Christmas in 1989.

Well, they say death and taxes are the only inevitable things but for DHs of crafters, hand-me-downs are likewise inevitable. If you can stop your DW from buying these in the first place, then the Nobel committee wants to talk to you. Otherwise, we all might as well get accustomed to thinking of things to do with this stuff.

- GrampaStamper


Anonymous said...

G'day Grampastamper- I think you should submit thus article for publication in Papercrafts- I'm sure they'd get a kic out of it. be sure to ask for a prize that can be handed down to you eventually-
sarah / loobylou

shuggy said...

this is hilarious!! what a great review!!!

pescbrico said...

OK now I want to buy the actual publication to be able to fully understand every things said in this post! :) Was really fun to read! :)

Anonymous said...

Oh Grampa are a naughty man..peeking at your DW papercrafts mag! lol!

Cathy said...

OMG Grampa stamper this is so funny l agree you should send this in for publication..but let me know if you do so l can hide it from my dh LOL..

Beth Norman said...

What a hoot.

flipflops4sherri said...

Thanks for the review GrampaStamper. Now I won't have to search high & low for these magazines. You can just do the reviews each month. HA

Alexandra said...

This is hysterical - I almost had an accident reading this - ROTFLMAO! What a great review - and you naughty boy, reading your DWs craft magazines!


Tami Bayer said...

How I do love this post! You really nailed the subject. Guess where my old papercutter is? Yep, in the garage gifted to my hubby! Now, how do I keep him from using my good scissors?

Mary said...

Oh that was a hoot. Very clever indeed. Yes, this indeed MUST be submitted to the magazine for article publication. It's definitely a winner. Hey, I think you have us women figured out. LOL


Kathy W said...

Excellent post! I'm going to have my DH read this. Thanks for sharing.

Lesa said...

Funny! Hope he hijinks your blog occasionaly for other reviews!!! LOL